It's all your fault -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: When Phil and Dan lose their daughter Lilly they discover they both have very different ways of coping with it. Dan just blames Phil. after all, it is all his fault. Just some angsty feels for you guys. please read and review :3


I haven't been to a lot of funerals in my life. I went to gran and granddad's. I think maybe I went to one for a friends dogs when I was about twelve. I was too young then to understand then. Too young to understand what was going on. When now I was standing here next to a fresh grave I understood completely.

No one spoke. No one cried. We all just stood there. I think everyone was in such shock really. I knew I was. One moment she was there. The next minute she was dead in my arms.

My daughter.

My baby girl.

Gone.

A small tear escaped my eye as I thought about her. Her bright blue eyes. Her absolutely adorable smile. She was perfect in every single way. And now she was dead.

I squeezed Dan's hand tightly, turning to give him a small smile.

He didn't smile back.

He glared at me. It didn't look very threatening since he had tears streaming down his face. His bloodshot eyes looked into mine with an expression I couldn't read.

"It's all your fault" he sobbed as he pulled his hand away from mine. I wanted to grab a hold of his hand again and tell him I was sorry. I didn't have the energy for it though. I was tired from the countless nights id been kept awake by the image of her. Her mangled little body. I just couldn't sleep at all with her in my thoughts. I just nodded then looked towards the grave again. Maybe I should of tried to talk to him. Maybe then he wouldn't hate me so much. I didn't mean it. He should know that. I wouldn't purposely let our daughter die.

That doesn't matter to him though. He blames me more than anyone else. I can tell. He's barely spoken to me since we left the hospital without her two weeks ago. He's avoided me ever since at home. Staying up until he knows I'll be asleep before coming to bed. I actually woke up the other day before him. I tried to hug him, place a small kiss to his forehead but he immediately pulled away from me and left the room.

This was it for us then? I just had to make one mistake and he would hate me. Everyone began to leave, stopping to give us both strong hugs and their sympathy. It hurt more than I could have ever imagined losing her. I just kept expecting to look down and see her sparkling eyes looking up at me. But she was gone. I lost her.

I was losing everyone.

I thought maybe things would be peaceful when we got home. Maybe Dan would keep ignoring me. We were both grieving and needed time. But Dan's way of grieving was very different from mine. At first he locked himself away and shut out the world. Now he's just looking for anyone to blame to ease the pain. It won't stop the pain though. It'll only make it worse.

We were sitting on the couch, me leaning against him slightly. He wasn't complaining yet. Maybe things really would be okay. Maybe we could still be like we were before. A happy couple. We could even be a family again. I did doubt that though. After losing Lilly I don't think neither Dan nor I could be happy around a young child.

"It's your fault, Phil" he growled, finally breaking the silence that had fallen upon us. I sat up straight, attempting to look into his eyes. They were clouded over. He had a look in his eyes that made him look distant. Completely lost. It really scared me to be honest. Made me wonder if I looked the same. If I looked like this horrible, mindless creature. This wasn't my Dan. This just wasn't him.

"I'm sorry" I whispered softly, looking down at my hands. They had began to shake again. Every time I thought about how she died that happened.

"She would have still been alive if it weren't for you!"

I tried to ignore him, concentrating on not letting the tears spill. I had to be strong for both of us. Dan was just hurt just now. He would be okay eventually. He'll thank me for being strong when he's better.

"Well say something then!?"

"…Dan, I'm sorry"

"Is that all your gonna say? After all this"

"Dan-"

"Is that all you have to say? Really? You let her die Phil"

I couldn't help but let the tears drip down my cheeks now. The one person I needed was treating me like this. I couldn't handle it.

"It wasn't my fault. I couldn't have saved her"

"Yes you could! All you needed to do was hold her hand!"

That's when I lost it.

"I let go of her hand for like two seconds! How the fuck was I supposed to know some drunk driver was going to come along and hit her?!"

Dan started at me, his eyes widening in shock. I normally never shouted. Never swore. No wonder he was so surprised.

"You could have saved her…" he mumbled, obviously trying to win this argument. Was it even an argument? I had no idea. He just needed to be right. I knew he needed to have some sort of security or he would go insane.

"No Dan, I really couldn't have. He drove onto the freaking pavement and hit her. You should be happy I'm even still alive"

That shut him up.

He bit his lip before looking into my eyes. "I just miss her so much Phil" he whispered, tears making their way down his cheeks. I sighed softly before wrapping my arms around him tightly. It was obvious how broken he was. I would have never guessed her death would have hurt him this much. He liked to appear strong but he really wasn't. I could always see though his tough guy act. He liked to pretend he was strong. That he could handle anything.

But he couldn't.

He never could.

"I know…I miss her too"

He hugged me back tightly, burying his head into my chest. He hardly ever cried in front of anyone. Even in front of me. He said it made him feel weak. Like he was completely worthless.

"Why did this have to happen to us Phil? Why not to somebody who deserved it?"

"I don't know…"

"I just want her back"

"…At least she's in a better place-"

"Is she really? how are we supposed to know?"

"We can't…but. We can hope. Hope our little angel is happy up there"

Dan's sobs got louder as he tightened his grip around me. I gently ran my fingers through his hair, attempting to comfort him. I let my own tears drip freely down my face now.

"Everything will be okay" I said softly, placing a small kiss to the top of his head.

"…What is it's not?" came his muffled reply.

"Then…I don't know. It just will be. I'm still here"

He looked up, his gaze meting mine. I leaned down and gently pressed my lips against his. Another sob escaped his lips as I pulled away slightly.

"…It's still your fault"

"I know, Dan. I know"


End file.
